


Bath Time with the Joker!

by ArgentNoelle, Sonia34



Series: The Adventures of Batman and Joker [4]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Bath Time, Batman gets tied up, Children, Crafts, Episode Style, Gen, Humor, Kidnapping, Parody, Television, Television Watching, children's songs - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:44:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4654575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentNoelle/pseuds/ArgentNoelle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonia34/pseuds/Sonia34
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The show where we teach your kids that bath-time can be fun!"</p>
<p>The Joker and Harley go on television.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bath Time with the Joker!

_The scene opens on the familiar face of everyone’s favourite clown, sitting in a bath wearing a bathing-suit, and grinning. The credits appear as the theme music starts, and in a happy and child friendly font is shown the title of the show:_

“Welcome to **Bath-Time With the Joker!** The show where we teach your kids that bath-time can be fun!”

_In comes another figure, posing by the entrance._ “I’ve got your bath-toys,” _she croons. The Joker climbs out of the bath and bows theatrically as Harley joins him in the center of the stage._

“This here, folks, is our playful sponge that reacts with water to create… what is that?” _In the background, Harley pulls on a gas-mask._ “…A gas-bomb! Not only is this fun for the whole family, but it’s also a great way to get your kids learning about chemical reactions!” _The Joker’s hand, holding the sponge, hovers over the bath for a moment before he drops it in._ “Oh look, we’ve already discoloured our walls.”

_As Joker steps away from the bath and begins to dry himself off with a towel, Harley pulls a rope and a curtain falls to reveal a bunch of children standing in a line._

“Now here’s some kids I volunteered off the street! These, poor, poor children don’t have any bath-toys! I’m going to fix that, and donate some from my very own collection.” _As he speaks, Harley takes the nearest child by the hand and leads her toward the bath-tub._ “And remember, if you don’t like the idea of your children being on television, you can call this number, offer a thousand dollars per kid to remove them from our program list, and you’ll find them right where you left them. After all, we wouldn’t want to keep them against your will.”

“You’re lucky you’re going first,” _Harley says conversationally to the girl,_ “your clothes could really use the wash.”

* * *

 

“Sir,” Alfred said, “there’s something on the television that I think you might like to see.” He turned on the television and Bruce walked over. He frowned.

“Isn’t that the lifestyle and improvement channel?” he asked.

“Indeed it is sir.” Bruce’s questioning face changed to one of anger as he saw Joker and Harley standing over a young girl in a bath-tub.

“Dear lord,” Alfred said, peering over his shoulder. “Are they drowning her?”

“No,” said Bruce. “I think they’re… giving her bath-toys.”

* * *

_Joker walks over and holds a microphone in the girl’s face_. “What’s you’re name?” _he asks._

“J-J-Jean.”

“Well Jean, I’ve got some questions for you. They’re simple, don’t worry—nothing you need to study for. What’s your outlook on bath-time?”

“A… I like it,” _Jean whispers._

“Great!” _Joker says, flinging up a hand._ “What do you like about bath time?”

“I like that I can sit in water with toys, and talk to my mommy.”

“Well, in our little bath paradise, you have water, toys, and Harley! So that works out just fine!”

_Harley smiles, and pats the girl on the head._

“What kind of toy do you want?” _the Joker asks, showing her his selection._ “We have a boat, a duck, a bat—”

“I want the bat.”

“Hmmm.” _Joker frowns._ “We also have a clown, see?” _He shows it to her_ _enthusiastically. When there’s no reaction, he hands her the bat._ “Now, play to your heart’s content. You can float it around, and squeeze it—that’s the best part.”

_The girl takes it hesitantly, but soon starts to smile as she plays with the rubber toy. When she squeezes it, out shoots a spurt of dye._  “Oh, lucky girl! Now you’ve got green hair, just like uncle Joker!” _Startled and suddenly very frightened again, the girl begins to wail, splashing water, and dye, all over the place. Joker’s smile stays plastered on for a moment, before he turns to the side and growls at Harley,_ “get her out of the tub.” _But he’s presenting a carefree entertainer again as he begins once more to speak to the audience, as Harley drags the screaming child out of the water._ “Now for little Johnny. I hope you like bath time a bit better than your sister does!”

* * *

“We’ve had a bit of a change of pace, viewers. (And not just because of the low ratings.) Welcome to… **Crafting With the Joker!** ”

“And Batman.”

“And the Joker.”

_There’s a long suffering sigh from beside the announcer, where Batman is tied up._

* * *

Harley escorted the kids away after Batman crashed the show and changed their plans. As she left the stage, she could hear the mad laughter of the Joker as he talked to his caped nemesis. “You’ve just missed bath-time!” he yelled, and the battle began.

“…An when you get home you’ll be greeted super nice by your parents dead corpses, which we left for ya.” Noticing the adverse effect this pronouncement had on the children she was trying to put back, Harley sighed. “Geez, can’t ya take a joke? They’re only unconscious. Unconscious, look. They’re breathing. They’ll wake up in a few hours and you can tell ‘em all about your time on TV in _Crafting with the Joker_. You’re gonna be famous.”

* * *

“Right now, on **Crafting with the Joker** ,”

“And Batman.” _Joker grinds his teeth._

“…And Joker, we’re going to teach you how to make a decorated picture frame, for when you cut up newspaper clippings of your favourite crimes. Batman, what color construction paper would you like?”

“Black.”

_Joker rolls his eyes._ “What a shocker.” _He riffles through a pile, finally saying,_ “I’m afraid you’ll have to go with navy blue.” _He hands it to Batman, where it sits on the table before him. Batman stares down at it without moving._ “Do you need a little help?” _Joker asks sweetly. He takes out a pair of purple children’s scissors and begins cutting the paper._

* * *

“Now that we’ve done bath time and craft time, it’s time for bed-time, because our Bat’s a little tired, and it’s time for him to go to sleep… permanently. But I’m not so cruel enough to make him leave this world without a lullabye!” _he clears his throat, and then begins._ “Rock-a-bye Batsy, on the roof-top. When the rope is severed, to death you will drop.”

_Batman struggles against the ropes that tie him fast as he hangs over the edge of the roof._ “Hahahahah! Oh I love bed-time, don’t you?” _Joker asks. He peers down at the Dark Knight below. He’s stopped struggling, and is hanging still and grim-faced_. “Oh no, it seems our guest star’s feeling a bit sleepy. We should wake him up a little! Don’t want it to end till the episode’s over. Right, Harley?” _he asks. At her cue, Harley begins to sing another rhyme._ “This little piggy crashed the stock market, this little piggy robbed homes, this little piggy killed Gordon, this little piggy had lots of arson fun, and this little piggy went—”

* * *

… **BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG** she took out his gun and shot down at the rope until it frayed apart…

“—all the way home,” Joker ended it, and they watched the Batman falling to his death.

“Aren’t you gonna say good night to us?” Harley called, and then blinked. “Hey, where’d he go?”

A figure landed behind them, cape flowing. “Good-night,” Batman said.


End file.
